The End, An Open Letter to My Ex-Bestfriend

The End, An Open Letter to My Ex-Bestfriend


It’s hard to be friends with your ex,

But I always felt as though you and I, we

Would always be a part of each other’s lives

Whether we were dating or not–

You left a little bit of yourself with me

I thought that all we went through together

Meant something

 

But I felt you fading from me,

I grasped for you,

My fingers fell through air

Trying to bring you back

Resurrection was never my strong suit

I had to do something

Because you were becoming a stranger

Right in front of my eyes

 

I don’t know who you are now,

But I remember when I did

Do you?

Do you remember the moment I realized

That the freckles on your cheek would form a triangle

If I traced the lines on your skin

You looked at me,

Maybe you were mad that it took me

So long to notice

You said “Yeah,”

Like it was the most obvious thing in the world

That night I laid awake wondering

If I had just given you one more thing

To hate about yourself

 

We were young and stupid,

You wrote me a love note

After a night out at Magic Mountain

(I don’t know if you remember…

Rollercoasters make me sick)

You waited patiently as I heaved,

Face in the bushes, miserable

And after half a dozen apologies

You told me I didn’t need to be sorry

 

These memories seem far away now

 

For all the years that we were close

When you bled, I bled with you

Every time you reached out to me

To talk about killing yourself,

I was right there
I tried to remind you of all the reasons

Life is worth living
When you told me you were tired of it,

I told you,

I am too

I said, “Life breaks everyone,

What are you going to do with the broken pieces?”

 

It was in that moment that I realized

I was bleeding alone

 

Did you think I wouldn’t feel the knife you shoved into my back?

 

You left me with the feeling

That it’ll never be enough–

I’ll never be enough you

And yet you’ve spent the last few years

Feeding off my kindness,

Clutching me like I was your lifeline

I’ve watched you cry, self-medicate,

Neglect yourself,

Make the same mistakes over and over

I was there through all of it

Every time I watched you fall for someone else,

I stood in the background wishing you’d fall for yourself

 

If I close my eyes,

I can still see your hands shaking from

Your lithium prescription

 

I’m not trying to play it like I’m perfect

But I made a commitment to myself and my health

And I refused to keep playing your games

Because it was killing me to see you that way

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stand to

Watch you self-destruct when

I gave you everything I had to give

My words could not console you,

All my love could not convince you that

You could be so much more–

That you could be happy,

When I realized that you didn’t want to be

That I needed a friend

And you wanted an enabler

I had to let you go

 

And everyone I have ever had to let go of

Knows what it feels like to swim against the tide

They’ve all come away with teeth marks from sharks

Jellyfish stings burning through their bodies

My hands are always left bloody

Because I don’t know how to say goodbye

 

Was the idea that someone could love you

That I could love you

That I could forgive you

Over and over and over

So unbearable?

+ There are no comments

Add yours