Creative Writing, Personal, Poetry

I am (?)

I’ve got a heart made of gold But the summers getting cold I’m a bummer, or so I’ve been...

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I’ve got a heart made of gold
But the summers getting cold
I’m a bummer, or so I’ve been told
19 almost 20 years old
Still confused with what my role is
Hopeless, with no sense of direction
Actin’ like a virus in search of infections
Detection, threats with no protection
I’m out for perfection with a heavy decision
There’s no time for hesitation, choose a location
Gotta go here or there in heaven with Satan
There’s no relation, but I still might get shun
The greatest is what I want to become
But there’s regrets for all the things I have done
Too late now, so guess I really have none
Oh well, they’re too loud
These thoughts that make me hate myself
Stakes are made but still unpaid
Out to be better, no mistakes to make
My words go silent and unheard
Like the voices from the countries in the third worlds
Don’t speak unless spoken to
Then stand still like a frozen fool
Nevertheless, life is kinda cruel
Choosing only the strongest to survive
Not caring if the weak live or die
Being raised to praise empty skies
After that, be fed faulty lies
See here’s the difference between you and I
I’m not deceived by petty mockery
But my heart is getting blacker than back in the days
Darker than the hidden place known as Pompeii
And everyday and every way
I’m slowly fading away, losing more control
than the planes that made the Towers explode
No time to go slow
Death doesn’t wait for those that grow old
I lost count so I’m still in this fight
With no end in sight, until the time is right
there will be no light seen in my mind
That’s what I like, no fear of the night
If God’s not next to my side
I’ll still strive until I’ve met my demise cause…

Deaths been callin’ my name
since back in the day
Every little things gonna turn out ok
Now awake, my nightmare is away
But at the end of the day
I’ll remain alert and afraid
Cause death won’t stop, callin’ my name

Now alone with only my thoughts
Deserted by God
But Was it really his fault? Doesn’t matter, I don’t need his applause, just a reason or cause
to keep goin’ then pause
I’m stuck in this phase where I think I’m ok
Reality is I don’t know my name, gone completely inane and turned somewhat insane
I can’t complain though, I wanted to play this silly game slow
Couldn’t keep up now melting like Rolos
In the back of the pack I couldn’t react
Got lost in the trap, how’s I to act
Who is that looking back in the mirror
It’s me, why don’t you figure
A little suicidal but scared to pull the trigger
What’s the use in going up quicker to God
Right next to his arms
Same ones that renounced me from the start to the end, when did it begin?
When my birth was happenin’ or at the young age of 10
Disregard all I stay calm
Brushin off more bombs than the Vietcong
But my palms are sweaty
Frontin’ like I’m ready, there’s no more excuses
The truth is, I’m still really clueless
Still don’t know who this Cruz is
Little confused kid you’re deluded
So ruthless
Who me? Yes you stupid
Don’t talk to yourself
There’s no one else
Absorb the truth before you lose
Light a fuse to create a new feeling
Back to the beginning
I may not be losing
but my choices aren’t thinning
Or are they
Who’ve I become
Right back to day one
Still dazed might say some
Should I hide and run
or face the side that turned me so numb
Chewing gum
That’s irrelevant
I’m just lookin’ for the end
So Grab a pen and write this friend
Pick a den, even if you just pretend
Do you get my reference?
Get the message I’m sending?
I’m sick of always badly pretending
Can’t I be the one no longer abiding
Can’t I be the one no longer perplexing

Sunset in Ventura

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Patrick Bello in Poetry
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One Reply to “I am (?)”

  1. Oh this story takes me back to a winter December of 85 in a Toyota Corolla on a pgaridol path on Interstate 40 just outside of Amarillo my attempt to drive my older boyfriend’s standard on our trip out to California when I had always driven automatics had never heard of black ice before These stories have an effect on me. You pant such vivid pictures with your words. Everything you write is so tangible. Some day I would like to try my hand at it

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