I’m in a secret place,
Under lock and key,
My head bowed, my body shaking,
My vision is clouded, my mind is aching,
It’s coming now.
The other me.
I can feel it,
sense it,
I cannot breathe.
I was invincible just now.
On top of the world,
Everything made sense to me.
Smiling at challenges,
Narrowing my eyes,
In focus.
Like bring it on,
You can’t take me.
But now,
But now,
It’s as if I’m kneeling at the edge of a foggy desolate pond,
Looking in the reflection of the water,
Trying to find that invincible queen,
Trying to locate her majestic body that’s
Drowned.
Trying to resurrect her enough so she can
Breathe.
That beautiful invincible Queen.
That strength inside of me.
She’s lost.
I’m lost.
I don’t know who I’m to be.
The water ripples allowing me to see,
I peer into the water.
I don’t like the reflection staring back at me.
But it’s me.
It has to be.
It has my eyes, my face, my hair, my nose…
But,
It lacks the courage in my eyes,
Lacks the confidence in my stride,
Lacks the radiant light inside,
Gone is my smile,
Replaced by tearful cries.
Who is this woman peering back at me?
I was fine.
Everything is well,
I tell myself
repeatedly.
But that not what I hear,
With my new ears,
LOOK AT YOU!
LOOK AT YOU!
All you do is cry!
You can’t get up from bed much less put up a fight.
How dare you think that there was something you could be,
All you are is a sad soul stuck in a pond of misery.
You’re crazy! bonkers! nuts!
You’re out of line and out of touch.
Just sleep your life away,
There’s nothing out there for you,
Anyways.
You need to head to school?
Need to go to work? For what you silly fool.
You can’t even eat. Don’t think I’ll let you sleep
This little voice whispers in my ear.
My new ears.
I wail and howl in sorrow,
Tears streak past night into tomorrow,
My hair a mess, no make up on my face,
gone is my resilience and my grace.
Gone is the ambition I’ve so hungrily fed
Gone is that golden crown that was once
Bestowed upon my head.
And then when I cannot take anymore,
The water ripples once again.
I look and peer and squint to see,
What will become of this new me.
When I strain to look into the water, who will I see?
And just like that the thunder roars,
The lighting strikes,
And the water churns,
A whirlpool forms as the rain storms,
And I can see.
In the water.
The new me.
Don’t talk to me, don’t rush me.
Don’t look at me, don’t touch me.
I hate you. I hate me. I hate this life. I hate everything.
You got something to say speak up!
I won’t listen I don’t have ears anymore,
You can’t hurt me my skin is worn,
My heart is frozen,
My actions emboldened,
I’m a warrior savage and brash,
An adolescent impulsive and rash,
And just,
As I near anarchy.
Just as,
I am to forfeit sanity.
Before my words cause fatal wounds,
I’m coaxed back to the waters ledge by gentle croons.
The armor fused to my bones melts,
The sword in my hand clatters and welts,
I peer again,
My soul in transit,
I’m afraid.
Afraid of me.
Who will I be?
A gentle face peers back at me.
Hey relax breathe she tells me.
And then all of a sudden she starts to chit chat,
Going about a thousand miles an hour if that.
And I don’t think you should be kneeling so close to the water,
Because who knows what might come up and snatch you and,
Oh did you see that cute red dress?
You just got paid! Let’s buy it!
I know you were depressed…
But rent is coming up…
Yea but look at those shoes!
But I won’t have enough!
Who cares take care of you!
Yes take care of me! That red dress would look so lovely!
Oh and those shoes to die for!
But my hair!
Oh I need to do my hair; my nails!
Might as well!
Yes! Yes! She croons at me!
This is wonderful!
I’m going to look so lovely!
I mean I deserve it!
I’ll just figure it out with the rent,
It’s not due for another four days.
Who cares!?
I’m sure they’ll understand.
Hey how are you!
Hey happy Friday!
Hey I love those shoes where’d you get them?
Hey you wanna have lunch?
Hey you wanna see a movie?
Grab a coffee?
Talk and talk and talk and talk and talk?!
Huh?
What?
Whaddayah mean I’m talking too fast?
No, no, no,
I can’t sleep.
I just want to tell you about my week
Oh no I need to clean everything!
Fourteen homework assignments? I can do those too!
Yes I can bake those 350 cookies you need for school!
Sure I can help you pay your car!
Absolutely I’ll watch your kids!
No don’t worry about it!
I feel great!!!
I feel great!!
I felt great!
I am not
feeling
great…
The water ripples again,
I see my lovely eyes turn solemn.
Kamila what have you done,
Silly girl.
I look slain; fallen.
Oh God,
My rent is due tomorrow.
I shake my head at me,
Who cares I say as I drown in sorrow,
You can’t even get out of bed,
Much less fix the demons in your head,
And then the lightning hits the water,
Gone is the saddened woman I’ve learned to see,
And in a flash of a moment,
I find the invincible queen.
I’m invincible now.
On top of the world.
Everything makes sense to me.
Smiling at challenges,
Narrowing my eyes,
in focus
Like bring it on,
You can’t take me.
Me?
Who is me?
Reflections from rippling pond water…
are all that I see.
