It’s hard to be friends with your ex,
But I always felt as though you and I, we
Would always be a part of each other’s lives
Whether we were dating or not–
You left a little bit of yourself with me
I thought that all we went through together
Meant something
But I felt you fading from me,
I grasped for you,
My fingers fell through air
Trying to bring you back
Resurrection was never my strong suit
I had to do something
Because you were becoming a stranger
Right in front of my eyes
I don’t know who you are now,
But I remember when I did
Do you?
Do you remember the moment I realized
That the freckles on your cheek would form a triangle
If I traced the lines on your skin
You looked at me,
Maybe you were mad that it took me
So long to notice
You said “Yeah,”
Like it was the most obvious thing in the world
That night I laid awake wondering
If I had just given you one more thing
To hate about yourself
We were young and stupid,
You wrote me a love note
After a night out at Magic Mountain
(I don’t know if you remember…
Rollercoasters make me sick)
You waited patiently as I heaved,
Face in the bushes, miserable
And after half a dozen apologies
You told me I didn’t need to be sorry
These memories seem far away now
For all the years that we were close
When you bled, I bled with you
Every time you reached out to me
To talk about killing yourself,
I was right there
I tried to remind you of all the reasons
Life is worth living
When you told me you were tired of it,
I told you,
I am too
I said, “Life breaks everyone,
What are you going to do with the broken pieces?”
It was in that moment that I realized
I was bleeding alone
Did you think I wouldn’t feel the knife you shoved into my back?
You left me with the feeling
That it’ll never be enough–
I’ll never be enough you
And yet you’ve spent the last few years
Feeding off my kindness,
Clutching me like I was your lifeline
I’ve watched you cry, self-medicate,
Neglect yourself,
Make the same mistakes over and over
I was there through all of it
Every time I watched you fall for someone else,
I stood in the background wishing you’d fall for yourself
If I close my eyes,
I can still see your hands shaking from
Your lithium prescription
I’m not trying to play it like I’m perfect
But I made a commitment to myself and my health
And I refused to keep playing your games
Because it was killing me to see you that way
I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stand to
Watch you self-destruct when
I gave you everything I had to give
My words could not console you,
All my love could not convince you that
You could be so much more–
That you could be happy,
When I realized that you didn’t want to be
That I needed a friend
And you wanted an enabler
I had to let you go
And everyone I have ever had to let go of
Knows what it feels like to swim against the tide
They’ve all come away with teeth marks from sharks
Jellyfish stings burning through their bodies
My hands are always left bloody
Because I don’t know how to say goodbye
Was the idea that someone could love you
That I could love you
That I could forgive you
Over and over and over
So unbearable?
