I didn’t think an “I love you”
Was too much to ask,
Your “I love you”s
Have been replaced with
“I’m sorry”s
You blame yourself for all of this
But I’m the one who feels guilty
She was a stillborn baby,
She was an accumulation of your expectations
She was a ghost
I was a living boy
And you loved her more than me
I realize this transgender thing must be a disappointment
I would need more hands in order to count on my fingers
How many times you’ve told me how special I am;
The daughter among sons, the little girl you always wanted
But at times, dad, you act as if I killed her
I wasn’t trying to kill the girl,
I was trying to save the boy
Because while you mourned over her,
Over the girl that never lived
There was a boy that needed you
I don’t know what to say
How do I talk about this dead girl
With respect to the people that loved her?
How do I remind them that she can’t be gone
If she was never here?
How do I explain that while they fed their love to her ghost,
I stood in the background, starving?
I’m not going to grieve with you,
I can’t talk about her anymore
I can’t breathe life into the girl I never was
Because I’m trying to resuscitate
The boy that I am
I’m sticking needles in my thigh,
Compressing my chest into a different shape
Even though it’s already hard to breathe
Dad, it’s hard to breathe
It’s hard to see myself as anything at all
Because I am not the woman you thought I would be
Because I am not man the world wants to see,
Believe me, I don’t want this body either
Every time I am nervous, I am reminded of that fact
As my voice rises, as it softens, as it becomes small
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid I will die
And you will put the wrong name
On my gravestone
I’m afraid I will be hung from a fence post
Bruised black and blue, bleeding
I’m afraid I will be beaten in the men’s restroom
Because the guy next to me tried to make conversation
And realized my voice is too feminine
I’m afraid that oncoming traffic will embrace me
The way you never could
I’m not asking for an “I’m sorry,”
The best apology is simply
An “I love you”
And when you say I love you
I need you to know what it means
